New seasons

I've rewritten this post over and over...seems there are to many thoughts and feelings going through me. Of course I ran through the list of people to talk this out with but in true God like fashion each one of my ladies phones went to voice mail :) I had to hash out these feelings alone in the car with only God and Bean to listen to me.

So I'm just going to type and see what happens. Please excuse the random mess of thoughts and emotions to come.............

Today I stopped by my classroom at work to check in with the teacher covering me while I am on leave. Then on my way home, after lunch with a friend and errands, I stopped by the school district office and turned in a letter of request for a year long leave of absence. WHEW. I know this is what we've been talking about, what I've wanted, etc. But now it's actually done.

The letter sat on my desktop for over a week. Now it's signed and delivered. Official. Surreal. I'm really going to do this stay at home mom thing full time.

No, there's not enough money to do it. From all "human" angles there's not a real way to make this work as we'd desire it to. No big miracle came in. Just us deciding together that this year I'm going to be mommy full time. So with all of this are some very mixed emotions.

Fear- Yeah, I'm afraid we'll end up in a financial hole over this, that we're making the wrong money move, that things can get worse and I will regret this move. What if there isn't a rescue, or I can't swing this?

Loss- For the last 6 years I opened a classroom door and greeted hundreds of students as their teacher. This year I won't be doing that. And while that didn't define me as a person, it did shape in part who I have become, so in saying no to that this year there is a sense of loss.

Hesitation- Can I really discipline myself, sacrifice my wants and commit to some hard choices to make this work for my family? What if I screw this up?

Peace- my heart wants this.

Faith- I'm not just going to be able to talk the talk of faith, but this time I have to live it out. I have to have faith in my husband to provide for us on his own. I have to have faith that my God will indeed supply our needs, not forsake us, do good for us, be our provider and leader through this. On this one, I've really got to let go of the control and let God. I have to leave the worry at the door and have the faith to see God show up.

This leave of absence isn't necessarily a permanent thing....technically I can go back if I need to. And while it is possible they can deny the leave and call for me to return or resign, I don't forsee that happening. But for me, today this was a huge thing.

A season of my life changed today. Some interesting adventures are ahead of me.

Well the little Bean awoke, so I must go enjoy some smiles and jabbering.