Last CT&J....

My big little just finished his last Clap, Tap and Jingle....after three years of once weekly music class, he is all done....mixed emotions as we exit this stage and move into the next!

43 Stitches

I just took off the dressing to a wound on my face.....I don't know what hurt more...the wound or the sight of the wound.

I wanted to cry, but I can't my eye is too swollen and the stitches too tight. The best I could get was a text to my girlie about crawling into a hole.

My husband stood by me, wanting desperately to help, or to support me, or comfort me, I'm not quite sure exactly. I wanted to scream at him to leave; I don't need an audience, I don't want to see you look.

I want to scream....but I don't even know what I would say. It's just my knee jerk, normal gut reaction...to feel something and become "unglued."

So I stood there and stared, cleaned it out with Q-tips and lathered Polysporin. What is this? This stillness, am I numb? 

I literally feel like I am trapped within something....and then I realized the name of it.....PEACE. A stillness so powerful I can hardly move. A power completely not of my own. A promise of more than I can see.

It's not easy to stand within the peace. It seems foreign in a way. Unnatural, if you will. A part of me wants to throw a "two year old" tantrum, get bitter and ask "why me?", be angry, run to fear. I know those reactions, I've been there before.

A voice says, give thanks.....not for the pain, but through it. So I do.

I'm thankful for rich people problems....because with as little as I feel we have, we are rich.

We had the money to pay for the surgery. (It's all gone now, so we'll see what happens next week for the next one, but for this one we had it.)

I had the resources and finances to find the problem and treat it. And live in a place and time where it can be treated.

The solution was just surgery, 2 hours later and it's gone. No chemo, radiation, just surgery.

I had a bed and a home and food to come home to.

It wasn't one of my children.

My husband was with me through all of it.

My family is here to help me.

My friends have been by to check on me, deliver treats and even bring make up :)

I had to lay in bed for 2 days, but I have legs to walk, strength to stand, and a strong body. 

I will never be able to not see the scar on my face and think of that moment....when Peace stepped in. 

This is new territory.....painful terrain. I don't want to walk through these fields, but the promise of the flowers beyond brings comfort. The soil of my heart is shifting, I don't want to lose the seeds being planted. I want this root of peace to take hold in my heart.