Easier said than done

It's always easier to say something about God than it is to walk it out.....so while I should have been documenting more of this metamorphosis of change in my heart and life I haven't quite had the courage to....maybe for fear that if I write it out it then it is in fact really happening.....but alas the stage of denial is over...I don't know where to start.....

My home is my idol....OUCH....holding back tears here....I have loved my home for the last 6 years....loved it....it is gorgeous, a great size, fits everyone for parties and events, has been full of amazing memories and is my place of security....Oh man, I can't believe I just wrote that out. It's kind of shameful now that I think of it....When MJD was first born my heart broke into pieces when I went back to work....and I did it because if I wasn't working then we just couldn't keep up with the mortgage payments. (Story for another time.) So I rationalized in my head and heart that God blessed us with this home and we had to be responsible and sacrifice what we must to keep it....UGH! It was a miserable season in our lives....struggling to work and raise a family, guilt over leaving him, resentment with my hubby, anger toward God, just some not so pretty things...so when we decided to have Liam we had saved money and tucked away credit and planned on my staying home for a year with him after he was born.....what a season! There was so much happiness and peace and the structure and dynamic of our family changed in a huge way.....then the year started to come to a close and a decision had to be made....resign or return to work....talk about tension and anxiety! So I prayed and prayed and prayed and there didn't seem a way to financially manage things without my working....and then I found out I was pregnant AGAIN! REALLY GOD, THIS IS YOUR SOLUTION???? If things were complicated before, they got even more complicated now....

So I prayed, and cried and I tried to figure things out...and then it came time to let go and let God....so we stepped back, more out of the complete inability to do anything to fix things. We resigned that we were left with two options....sell the house and find a way to live in something more affordable so as to keep me home with the kids, or go back to work for a few months and then leave a complete newborn in the care of family members and my littles in the responsibility of someone else while I work to help pay for the house. God literally made me decide what was more important, choosing to provide my own security and comfort or the well being and development of my children. (When I look at it now, I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly selfish I feel that I was even in the position where God had to make me choose.) Once I saw my options, it was no contest....my boys matter more than my comfort, security or pride. How could I stand Him one day
and account for the well being of these precious children when I would choose myself over then?!?!

I can not even begin to tell you much freedom I began to start feeling when I put aside my pride and laid everything down at the altar. When I said to God, "There is nothing in my power to do, we can't fix this or find a way out. If you don't come through and make this work somehow we're done for." Knowing I can no longer hold the reigns to this roller coaster ride freaks me out and at the same time there is a peace in my soul I can not begin to explain.

The house went on the market a month ago, we had one showing and nothing came of it...price dropped some and another showing....now the people from yesterday came back today with family to show the house to and seem interested.....the peace I had felt began to shatter....I had hoped to just stay in the house and it take a while to sell. I frantically did the math....if they make an offer now and the bank takes their time and then we close and have 30 days.....wait a minute....that is the week I am due! And again I began to feel fear and panic rise in my heart as Satan whispered thoughts like arrows to my heart. So I hit my knees and searched His Word....cause honestly that's the only thing in my power at this point. To trust, complete uninhibited faith, that He will provide, protect and lead when we have no clue.

This process hurts....so much! Emotionally I have done great, pregnancy hormones and all, but as I shed off these layers of my heart and come to terms with how much importance and emotional attachment I put into my home, nothing more than concrete and wood, here today and gone tomorrow, instead of my eternal Savior...oh, that was a hard pill to swallow. And something I am certainly not proud to admit.

But...there is always a "but" right? But through all this struggle, I have learned more and more the true meaning of conviction faith over convenience faith. I have learned what it really means to trust in Him, to let go of the things that bind up my heart, to see the tricks of the enemy, to cast aside my pride, to run to Him first in my time of need. I've learned to seek Him for the solution and not offer Him my solution. To come to Him and ask His blessing before opening up windows of opportunity instead of making a choice and then coming to ask for a blessing after I've already committed.

It hurts to have people come into your space and your home searching it out for themselves. Opening doors and closets and seeing your dirty laundry :) I ran from it at first and let Tim deal with it, he gladly offered to take away that pain from me. Then when I had to do it, I found my defenses build and anger rise, as if I was entitled, Oh Lord, please don't let my heart get hard and proud! So as I keep bringing Him my junk, broken heart, fear, etc. I am in such awe at His compassion and mercy, how He continually just holds me again in His peace and tells me it will be ok. As hard as it is for humans to come in and scope out the home you live in, it is so much harder to be willing to walk out your faith and let God come in and clean up your home.

I sometimes want to walk away and say the process hurts too much, because it does indeed....but I caught a glimpse of the joy....I felt the touch of peace, the moment of strength that was not my own, I'm tired of running around on the hamster wheel of life. I want the refinement. I want my faith to be real and firm, no longer wavering and unsteady and I know the only way to receive that is to walk through these seasons, sometimes painful, and feel the Master fashion me.