I had planned to post about pregnancy today.....to lament the nausea and explain this budding romance with my finale.....but my emotions are to up and down and my heart too broken to talk about happy things like babies and such, because I learned this morning, before I even had a chance to take a seat in church, that one of the young moms in our church lost her sweet 3 week old son this morning to SIDS. So while I feel an array of emotions (nonetheless heightened by my surplus of hormones) I am so acutely aware tonight of how there is so much that has nothing to do with me.
I almost laughed when Anita shared the news this morning with me.....my brain did not process or compute that Savannah had lost Isaiah. I denied it possible, as if saying it were false, would make her retract the information. I stood in the church stunned, when my breath returned to me and my brain wrapped around the information, my heart shattered. How? What? That's not possible, she just posted pictures online this weekend of him.....he was wearing clothes that had been Liam's and I had stopped to smile at her sweet boy who was wearing something my sweet boy had worn last year. He was healthy, fine.......he was.
My heart years for hers......we weren't close friends.....church acquaintances at best. She had only just begun Bible study with the ladies in the session I had taken a break from and my little one isn't big enough to play in MNT and my big one is in school, so I've not been terribly plugged in with the newer moms to the church. This kind of sorrow....not just pain, but torment and sorrow is not something that one would wish on an enemy, let alone a young mother. Ugh...as if the nausea wasn't bad enough...I feel ill at the terror they must have experienced upon waking this morning.
No matter what any person says about abortion and pregnancy in the "Pro-Choice" arena....the moment a woman learns she is pregnant forever changes her life. You can never "stop" being a mother once you conceive life. You can't forget it, hide it, or terminate it. It will always be a part of you, regardless of the final outcome. I can never be just a mom of two anymore....my life has created 3 and I will always have 3 children. Savannah stated on her FB wall that her faith is bringing her hope and she is grateful for her 24 days with Isaiah.....there's nothing to be said to comfort her, so telling her all will be well and time will heal it.....pain is just pain. Life is hard, sorrow hurts, sometimes there is nothing on this earth that can "fix" anything.
So I pray....I pray for each one of them. I pray every moment she comes to mind....and today it seems like she is constantly on my mind. I beg God for peace, command the Spirit to empower her, demand Satan away, and weep as she must simply be crying herself to sleep tonight.
I held my babies a little tighter tonight....let my little fall asleep in my arms....snuggled my big while he watched cartoons and prayed that God would grant me another day with my loves.
Enough rambling....I feel as if I've thrown all my emotions in an incoherent mess of words. So pardon the mess. But before you click off....pray for Savannah.
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