12.31.2012
My 12 of 2012
1. Staying home with my babies
2. Growing in my marriage and friendship with my man.
3. Bible study with my favorite ladies.
4. Surprise baby beginnings.
5. Feeling the hand of God totally lead my life.
6. Learning the freedom of ultimate surrender.
7. Watching my boys play together as friends.
8. Having my mama and daddy close by.
9. Hanging with my bestie and enjoying Starbucks.
10. Learning how to run and sharing the pavement with some sweet girls.
11. Seeing the power of prayer change things in my world.
12. Being alive and healthy today with my little family. Crazy and all!
12.27.2012
Christmas
JOY.
In the moments of chaos.
In the moments of sadness.
In the moments of confusion.
In the moments of uncertainty.
In the moments of pain.
In the moments of fear.
In the moments of peace.
In the moments of happiness.
In the moments of love.
In the moments of life that so easily slip away. I am learning this
year to choose joy in all moments. That is after all why the baby Jesus
came. The meaning of the message. He came to bring JOY; to be our JOY.
Merry Christmas!
12.15.2012
Color Run 2012
I signed up for the Color Run during the summer....while I was still pregnant and in the stage where I was feeling well and still exercising three times a week......didn't think it through well....but this morning I dragged my butt out of bed at 5:30, got ready and packed up my newborn to drive to St. Pete for the run!
Crazy idea! I just delivered a baby last month, don't get a lot of sleep, and haven't lost enough baby weight yet for such adventures....but alas, I did it. The Color Run has been conquered, not that it was a real "runners" event, more just a fun experience. But I did run for a few parts!
Now please excuse me while I go crawl into a hole and cry as my legs burn and my muscles revolt in protest!
Crazy idea! I just delivered a baby last month, don't get a lot of sleep, and haven't lost enough baby weight yet for such adventures....but alas, I did it. The Color Run has been conquered, not that it was a real "runners" event, more just a fun experience. But I did run for a few parts!
Now please excuse me while I go crawl into a hole and cry as my legs burn and my muscles revolt in protest!
12.14.2012
Sad day....
Some days are heavy....when evil in the world trumps the good in your little world.
Like leaving Bible Study and griping to a friend about crabby cashiers at the craft store just to learn that an evil man went into his mother's kindergarten class to murder her and all the innocent children in her room!
I will hold my babies tighter today. Be grateful for the screaming baby, mischievous toddler and pushy preschooler because today they are safe in my arms....and there are mommies who can no longer say that :/
Lord help us! We need more Jesus.
Like leaving Bible Study and griping to a friend about crabby cashiers at the craft store just to learn that an evil man went into his mother's kindergarten class to murder her and all the innocent children in her room!
I will hold my babies tighter today. Be grateful for the screaming baby, mischievous toddler and pushy preschooler because today they are safe in my arms....and there are mommies who can no longer say that :/
Lord help us! We need more Jesus.
12.11.2012
12.2.12
One month with our newest man!!! It goes too fast :/
Lincoln checked in at 12.2 pounds and 24 inches. (That was a 2 lb and 2 in gain in 2 weeks!)
Off the charts for weight and height and 69% for head.
Lincoln checked in at 12.2 pounds and 24 inches. (That was a 2 lb and 2 in gain in 2 weeks!)
Off the charts for weight and height and 69% for head.
Busy Days...Sleepless nights
As you can tell from my recent blog silence the last few weeks with a preschooler, a toddler and a newborn have been a little crazy. But in the midst of the crazy, I find myself sneaking silent moments when I am utterly amazed at the blessings around me!
So our days have been filled with.....
Birthday Party at CEC....
First Sunday at church and with Mia.....
Soccer Season Completion. Go RED DRAGONS!!!!
Fresh babies in Turkey Clothing....
Thanksgiving Pageant at preschool.....
Black Friday Shopping initiation :) (He was a great shopper!)
Enjoying Daddy's birthday ice cream cake....
Lots and lots of laundry!!!! Good thing I have a helper :)
Not really potty training...more like potty escaping...the monster likes to play in toilets! Gross....we use a lot of bleach :(
CFA Snacks with friends after school!
Brothers snuggling in bed :) (This makes me heart soooooooo happy!)
Visiting Santa (I CAN NOT believe that Liam WANTED to do this!!!!)
Starbucks date with mama.....hot chocolate folks...not coffee. But the boys felt super special drinking it!
Way too much fun eating a snack in the box with all the 31 Purse goodies.....
Waiting for cookies to come out of the oven......amazing what entertains them!
Wasting money at the mall on junk rides with Nena....that makes for a lot of giggles!
Sleeping in the swing.....whatever works right.....we will eventually move into a crib....I HOPE!
12.07.2012
Happy birthday to me
Welcoming in another year with a 2:27 a.m. greeting.
I so believe 29 is going to be a crazy busy, exciting, sleepy, noisy, love filled adventure!
I so believe 29 is going to be a crazy busy, exciting, sleepy, noisy, love filled adventure!
11.16.2012
11.13.2012
Birth Day Photos
I promised photos...and now that life has settled and I was able to go through the memory card and download the computer they are finally ready to be posted :)
Life can really change in just a few minutes!
Solid little guy!!!
I am here....HEAR ME ROAR!
Something precious about a fresh from Heaven new baby :)
So totally and completely absolutely in LOVE!
Cold Snap
A couple of weeks ago we had a "cold snap"....for those up North I know it's not really cold to you, but for us Floridians it was chilly....and made for perfect evening park weather.
So we put on jackets, hopped in the car and went out to play.....before the baby decided to join us. Tim and I had a great time just watching the boys run around....and watching Liam try to be so much bigger than he really is.
So we put on jackets, hopped in the car and went out to play.....before the baby decided to join us. Tim and I had a great time just watching the boys run around....and watching Liam try to be so much bigger than he really is.
11.12.2012
Day 10
Crazy!!!! 10 days passed by in a blink!
We have ventured out of the house...alone with all three of you boys and myself in the car. Granted we met Nena shortly after leaving the house :)
First doctor visit was successful...screaming and all. We're down to 8 lb 13 oz. but my milk had just come in, so I look forward to seeing what you bounce up to this week when we return.
You sleep in the swing when at home. Mostly because you lay down in the crib and roll to your side! Freaks me out!!!! You shouldn't be doing that at all yet! So you sleep 4 hour stretched at night in the swing and we are all happy.
Umbilical cord came off this morning!!! Yeah! (I hate the nasty brown stuff and the icky smell it makes.)
Tomorrow you are getting a solid scrub down :)
You stay awake for a good spell of time in the evenings when your brothers go to bed which is kind of nice. Also think you do this since you were born in the evening and your clock might be a little off.
Hate getting strapped into your car seat but you don't seem to mind the car rides at all as you often fall asleep. (Thank you Jesus!)
You are beginning to startle at noises and be aware of your surroundings.
You love to snuggle up and sleep on me or Nena, or anyone for that matter but like to left alone while awake to stretch and look around.
Beginning to find and explore your hands.
Seem to be happy to take a pipe :)
Newborn clothing is getting tricky because you are so long!!! But some three month stuff is still to wide for you.
Here you are in the pj that was Liam's favorite....don't know if I will be able to fit you in it much more :(
We have ventured out of the house...alone with all three of you boys and myself in the car. Granted we met Nena shortly after leaving the house :)
First doctor visit was successful...screaming and all. We're down to 8 lb 13 oz. but my milk had just come in, so I look forward to seeing what you bounce up to this week when we return.
You sleep in the swing when at home. Mostly because you lay down in the crib and roll to your side! Freaks me out!!!! You shouldn't be doing that at all yet! So you sleep 4 hour stretched at night in the swing and we are all happy.
Umbilical cord came off this morning!!! Yeah! (I hate the nasty brown stuff and the icky smell it makes.)
Tomorrow you are getting a solid scrub down :)
You stay awake for a good spell of time in the evenings when your brothers go to bed which is kind of nice. Also think you do this since you were born in the evening and your clock might be a little off.
Hate getting strapped into your car seat but you don't seem to mind the car rides at all as you often fall asleep. (Thank you Jesus!)
You are beginning to startle at noises and be aware of your surroundings.
You love to snuggle up and sleep on me or Nena, or anyone for that matter but like to left alone while awake to stretch and look around.
Beginning to find and explore your hands.
Seem to be happy to take a pipe :)
Newborn clothing is getting tricky because you are so long!!! But some three month stuff is still to wide for you.
Here you are in the pj that was Liam's favorite....don't know if I will be able to fit you in it much more :(
11.08.2012
Overwhelmed
I am not in any way a tear up kinda gal.....aside from Bible study group (where life seems too real to be anything but honest and somehow tears just flow) .... So this flood of emotion and everything that has happened to me in the past 6 days is just overwhelming.
Not post baby blues kinda thing....more like "How is this really my life? and "I blinked and God really did this most amazing thing....really?"
Some moments I feel like surely we won't be able to survive the crazy that is life with three boys, but here I am in the middle of the night with a sweet and AMAZING little on my chest, and all I want to do is cry because I am so madly, crazy, over the moon in love with each of them.
I am terrified about not giving each enough attention, we've had tantrums and fights already, I wonder how each will adjust and if I am holding each enough and don't want them to grow up too fast....but one thing I know to the depth of my soul is that God so knew what He was doing by throwing my world upside down with these four amazing men....from my sweet and sexy hubby to my independent big, wild man middle and bomber baby boy....
I could not ask for more! And knowing that God loves me so much to grant me a life in this crazy world of boy is just overwhelming ❤
Not post baby blues kinda thing....more like "How is this really my life? and "I blinked and God really did this most amazing thing....really?"
Some moments I feel like surely we won't be able to survive the crazy that is life with three boys, but here I am in the middle of the night with a sweet and AMAZING little on my chest, and all I want to do is cry because I am so madly, crazy, over the moon in love with each of them.
I am terrified about not giving each enough attention, we've had tantrums and fights already, I wonder how each will adjust and if I am holding each enough and don't want them to grow up too fast....but one thing I know to the depth of my soul is that God so knew what He was doing by throwing my world upside down with these four amazing men....from my sweet and sexy hubby to my independent big, wild man middle and bomber baby boy....
I could not ask for more! And knowing that God loves me so much to grant me a life in this crazy world of boy is just overwhelming ❤
11.03.2012
Fresh
The clock in my recovery room just ticked 5:57 p.m. and I have a sweet big little love in my arms.
Very hard for me to believe this is all actually real. My bigs have come and met him and almost all of extended family has arrived and been introduced.
Oh my word, this is so different Loving your last compared to loving your first or second. Everything is so raw and unfiltered somehow.
I can't believe he is here! How did God let this little life come into our world and why us?
Very hard for me to believe this is all actually real. My bigs have come and met him and almost all of extended family has arrived and been introduced.
Oh my word, this is so different Loving your last compared to loving your first or second. Everything is so raw and unfiltered somehow.
I can't believe he is here! How did God let this little life come into our world and why us?
11.02.2012
11.2.12
6 a.m.- Alarm beeps....had been in a some what semi conscious state of awake already. Dawns on me why alarm beeps....delivery day! Panic!!!!!
Heart races, blood pressure rises...
"My grace is sufficient for thee...my peace made perfect in your weakness."
6:30 a.m.- Getting ready and realize the verse actually was "strength" instead of "peace"....decide I like it better the way He whispered it to me this morning.
7:12 a.m.- Leave house.
7:39 a.m.- Labor and Delivery calls while we are driving...induction postponed a half hour/hour cause no beds are ready yet :/ Ask on how baby is moving and I noticed he moved great all night and hardly not at all this morning. Will call back in 30 mins.
8:12 a.m.- Delay lands us at local CFA for breakfast. (Side note, my local shop is AMAZING! This one stinks in comparison!)At least the hiccup in scheduling allows for some giggles with my man :)
8:52 a.m.- Check in at Labor & Delivery....wait on paperwork and for a room.
9:30 a.m.- All paperwork and registration complete and back in waiting room. Waiting on an open bed as they have been slammed all night and morning.
(The knowing this is going on today is nice, sorta....the waiting is nerve wrecking! Once again smiling as I think of God laughing at me as He says..."You get this, just in my time!")
10:27 a.m.- Still waiting in waiting room....(insert exasperated sigh here :/)
Decided to be productive and do my Bible Study that I was a bit behind on...good stuff on Ruth and her having a son....striking a cord in my heart.
10:35 a.m. - In hospital room #10...donning the awesome blue gown and hooked up to fetal monitors. Answering questions, chatting with nurse, more waiting :)
11:32 a.m. - IV started and checked...4 cm...baby floating high and pitocin started
FYI....IV sucks!!!
12:24 p.m. - Contractions coming every 3 mins or less....beginning to hurt a good bit :/ Making progress :)
12:40 p.m.- Doc came in, water broken. Ouch! Contractions hurt, baby getting ready to drop, pressure. Oi!
12:55 p.m.- on a good note my belly shrunk a lot....bad note is I am sitting in a bed, leaking fluid and this crap hurts...and no that is the filtered version, I am not thinking those words in my head!!! I foresee an epidural in my near future!
Tim is laughing at me for documenting this, but it helps keep me distracted in the short breaks between pain.
2:15 p.m.- Epidural requested :(
2:55 p.m.- epidural in
3:15 p.m.- death has arrive....epidural does NOT work at all :(
3:36 p.m.- epidural removed and redone
3:50 p.m.- some pain gone. Baby bounces down during contraction and retreats up
4:03 p.m.- oxygen given. 9 cm
4:18 p.m. - blood pressure drops low, getting scared, Tim prays
4:40 ish- blood pressure gets better, baby heart rate drops, he won't move down enough to push
Okay...some of the crazy has settled and I need to recap while it is fresh.
Epidural did not work at all first time. Sheer hell thinking you are going to get some relief and then nothing. Apparently a student or not the head doctor did it the first time and I had waited a long time to get it :/ When it didn't take the head doctor came back and removed it and tried again, and doses me straight in the back to get some quick relief. Worked somewhat for about hour and half. Was 9 cm but my cervix would stay behind his head and baby would sneak back up after the contraction ended.
About 5:30 my heart rate and baby are stable and the drugs are not working :/ Every time I had a contraction I felt him drop down and hit my pelvic bone....horrible! A few minutes pass and the nurse has to check a lady next door. My drugs are gone and Lincoln decided to drop and turn and want out! Super, horrible, terrible! After a few contractions Tim runs out to find nurse and when she comes in I beg for drugs which apparently now she can't give because I am ready to deliver.
Death is upon me! Doc gets ready and I push twice and Lincoln's head comes out....want to breathe and have a second but the cord is all around him and they force me to push again to remove him. Poor guy is all blue/purple :(
He arrives! Sweet Jesus it is almost finished. Amazing how the instant pain relief comes in seeing baby. Doc finishes his thing, stitches me up and gets me settled some. Nurses take baby from me to the warmer. Apparently big babies need to be monitored as much as little babies and they wanted to check his shoulders and hips weren't hurt in delivery.
Because he came so fast at the end and the drop and turn so sudden, and he was so big....he was quite bruised so his face is a little purple and splotchy. No photos yet, neither he nor I were able to get cleaned up. His blood sugar fell cause of his size and they wanted me to hold him and nurse him to stabilize his heart and breathing better.
I am tired. More tomorrow. And pictures of him after he is bathed in the morning.
Heart races, blood pressure rises...
"My grace is sufficient for thee...my peace made perfect in your weakness."
6:30 a.m.- Getting ready and realize the verse actually was "strength" instead of "peace"....decide I like it better the way He whispered it to me this morning.
7:12 a.m.- Leave house.
7:39 a.m.- Labor and Delivery calls while we are driving...induction postponed a half hour/hour cause no beds are ready yet :/ Ask on how baby is moving and I noticed he moved great all night and hardly not at all this morning. Will call back in 30 mins.
8:12 a.m.- Delay lands us at local CFA for breakfast. (Side note, my local shop is AMAZING! This one stinks in comparison!)At least the hiccup in scheduling allows for some giggles with my man :)8:52 a.m.- Check in at Labor & Delivery....wait on paperwork and for a room.
9:30 a.m.- All paperwork and registration complete and back in waiting room. Waiting on an open bed as they have been slammed all night and morning.
(The knowing this is going on today is nice, sorta....the waiting is nerve wrecking! Once again smiling as I think of God laughing at me as He says..."You get this, just in my time!")
10:27 a.m.- Still waiting in waiting room....(insert exasperated sigh here :/)
Decided to be productive and do my Bible Study that I was a bit behind on...good stuff on Ruth and her having a son....striking a cord in my heart.
10:35 a.m. - In hospital room #10...donning the awesome blue gown and hooked up to fetal monitors. Answering questions, chatting with nurse, more waiting :)
11:32 a.m. - IV started and checked...4 cm...baby floating high and pitocin started
FYI....IV sucks!!!12:24 p.m. - Contractions coming every 3 mins or less....beginning to hurt a good bit :/ Making progress :)
12:40 p.m.- Doc came in, water broken. Ouch! Contractions hurt, baby getting ready to drop, pressure. Oi!
12:55 p.m.- on a good note my belly shrunk a lot....bad note is I am sitting in a bed, leaking fluid and this crap hurts...and no that is the filtered version, I am not thinking those words in my head!!! I foresee an epidural in my near future!
Tim is laughing at me for documenting this, but it helps keep me distracted in the short breaks between pain.
2:15 p.m.- Epidural requested :(
2:55 p.m.- epidural in
3:15 p.m.- death has arrive....epidural does NOT work at all :(
3:36 p.m.- epidural removed and redone
3:50 p.m.- some pain gone. Baby bounces down during contraction and retreats up
4:03 p.m.- oxygen given. 9 cm
4:18 p.m. - blood pressure drops low, getting scared, Tim prays
4:40 ish- blood pressure gets better, baby heart rate drops, he won't move down enough to push
Lincoln Brandt Drumm
5:57 pm
9 pounds 7 ounces
21.25 inches
Picture to follow
Okay...some of the crazy has settled and I need to recap while it is fresh.
Epidural did not work at all first time. Sheer hell thinking you are going to get some relief and then nothing. Apparently a student or not the head doctor did it the first time and I had waited a long time to get it :/ When it didn't take the head doctor came back and removed it and tried again, and doses me straight in the back to get some quick relief. Worked somewhat for about hour and half. Was 9 cm but my cervix would stay behind his head and baby would sneak back up after the contraction ended.
About 5:30 my heart rate and baby are stable and the drugs are not working :/ Every time I had a contraction I felt him drop down and hit my pelvic bone....horrible! A few minutes pass and the nurse has to check a lady next door. My drugs are gone and Lincoln decided to drop and turn and want out! Super, horrible, terrible! After a few contractions Tim runs out to find nurse and when she comes in I beg for drugs which apparently now she can't give because I am ready to deliver.
Death is upon me! Doc gets ready and I push twice and Lincoln's head comes out....want to breathe and have a second but the cord is all around him and they force me to push again to remove him. Poor guy is all blue/purple :(
He arrives! Sweet Jesus it is almost finished. Amazing how the instant pain relief comes in seeing baby. Doc finishes his thing, stitches me up and gets me settled some. Nurses take baby from me to the warmer. Apparently big babies need to be monitored as much as little babies and they wanted to check his shoulders and hips weren't hurt in delivery.
Because he came so fast at the end and the drop and turn so sudden, and he was so big....he was quite bruised so his face is a little purple and splotchy. No photos yet, neither he nor I were able to get cleaned up. His blood sugar fell cause of his size and they wanted me to hold him and nurse him to stabilize his heart and breathing better.
I am tired. More tomorrow. And pictures of him after he is bathed in the morning.
11.01.2012
The Last Day
Today is the last day
That I will belong to a family of four.
That I will only have two little boys.
That I will actually be able to nap during nap time. (At least for a while.)
That I will spend with a full little life inside of my body.
That I will say I have 2 sons.
Tomorrow....good Lord willing....I will check into the hospital, suffer through medication, enjoy an epidural, deliver and baby and begin a new normal for the rest of my life.
It is a little bizarre to know that this is the end of the road in this season of life. On one hand it is weird knowing it is over, and on the other hand there is a still peace and gratefulness in the knowledge.
That I will belong to a family of four.
That I will only have two little boys.
That I will actually be able to nap during nap time. (At least for a while.)
That I will spend with a full little life inside of my body.
That I will say I have 2 sons.
Tomorrow....good Lord willing....I will check into the hospital, suffer through medication, enjoy an epidural, deliver and baby and begin a new normal for the rest of my life.
It is a little bizarre to know that this is the end of the road in this season of life. On one hand it is weird knowing it is over, and on the other hand there is a still peace and gratefulness in the knowledge.
Halloween 2012
We weren't sure if our littlest dude was going to make his arrival yesterday or not, but we still made sure he felt like the crew and had a "costume"!
(Thanks for the shirt Casie!)
After stopping by Nena & Papa's house to trick or treat we went by church for our first Light the Night event and he boys had a blast!
With a race car driver, real life Prince Charming and little superhero, what more can a girl ask for? God has been so gracious to me with these sweet lives. Getting excited to see what the newest dude is going to add to our crazy crew!
(Thanks for the shirt Casie!)
After stopping by Nena & Papa's house to trick or treat we went by church for our first Light the Night event and he boys had a blast!
With a race car driver, real life Prince Charming and little superhero, what more can a girl ask for? God has been so gracious to me with these sweet lives. Getting excited to see what the newest dude is going to add to our crazy crew!
10.31.2012
A post modern view of date night
Before children....date nights with my man consisted of coming home from work, showering, putting on a new outfit, makeup, high heels....dinner out, a little shopping and a late night movie at the theater and then home for the night and sleeping in the next day.
Flash forward 5 years and 3 babies later.....
Half off pizza night, picked up from the restaurant so we don't have to find a sitter or pay extra for service....(honestly so we don't have to share food with the kids!) Boys tucked into bed sleeping and us eating in bed, in pajamas and chatting about our day (nasty clients, ailing in laws, poopy diapers and tantrums.)
That's how we roll, folks! Keeping life real and our marriage alive....one pizza in bed at a time :-)
Flash forward 5 years and 3 babies later.....
Half off pizza night, picked up from the restaurant so we don't have to find a sitter or pay extra for service....(honestly so we don't have to share food with the kids!) Boys tucked into bed sleeping and us eating in bed, in pajamas and chatting about our day (nasty clients, ailing in laws, poopy diapers and tantrums.)
That's how we roll, folks! Keeping life real and our marriage alive....one pizza in bed at a time :-)
10.28.2012
Waiting
I am waiting....
On a boy....
To make his debut...
Again!
Honestly. It feels like as I look back on my life, the short 28 years I have, that I tend to find myself in a lot of "waiting" stages.
Waiting to drive a car, waiting to date, waiting to get a job, waiting to grow up, waiting to finish high school, waiting to go to college, waiting to finish college, waiting for a job, waiting for marriage, waiting for a home, waiting for a career, waiting to have kids....you get the point.
I have HATED the waiting game. It has been like God would dangle exactly what He had for me in front of me and say..."I have this for you....but you have to wait for it." Ugh! Really? Why? And why must I wait so much if you intend to give it to me?
And so tonight I find myself in bed, waiting on this last little boy I will carry in my womb to decide when he will arrive. Waiting again....yet this time my heart feels different. Resigned not so much to the waiting, but at peace with the process.
For over the years, the seasons of struggling with God (is it ok to say that??? I struggle with God...full blown fights, tantrums and knock downs with Him, in my head and heart that is.) I have and still am learning that the process of waiting has become more about refining me through the fire of waiting than about denying me what He is offering.
Did that make sense to anyone but me?
I haven't walked through fires of drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, adultery, gambling, alcoholism or these other "heinous" sins as some would say, but I have struggled and fought Him with pride, arrogance, cynicism, over indulgence, greed, gossip, criticism, judgment, and a list of sins which are just a reprehensible in His eyes.
For a long time I viewed the waiting season as a form or torture or punishment of some kind. (Can you tell I had some whacked view of God at points?!?)
How very wrong I was!
As I look back on these past seasons of waiting I see how He had slowly molded me through them, fashioning me, softening me, expelling areas of sin, uncovering the darkness of my heart to myself. Using His blessing of what will be as my "bait" while walking me through the season of waiting to make me better.
So I wait. Uncomfortable, in pain, anxious, terrified, excited, and yet somehow all the while allowing my heart to be still and hear some sweet words whisper in that there is a work being done in the waiting. My soul will be stronger in the end and the endurance of the process will benefit my life. That the waiting is not so much a season of "sit and stare" but maybe more of "be still and pray" and "listen and grow" before you take the next step in the season ahead.
I think of Jesus....waiting 30 years as God "under cover" before he spent 3 years doing what He came to do.
Of he verse..."Those who wait on The Lord, shall renew their strength."
Of Jesus telling his closest disciples "wait here and pray"
Waiting is hard. It is especially hard for me. I want to see the action and live the excitement. I jump too quickly and react too swiftly. So I think He makes me wait to remind me to slow down and grow in the process, not just in the experience.
I know that He has always been faithful and always come through. There is a light at every tunnel, a dawn to every night, and an end to every wait. I don't want to just experience the main events any more....I want to experience the growth of the waits, the refining of the fire.
Crazy, I know! Who wants the struggle when you can have the prize?
I want the whole process because when I struggle and give my struggle to Him, He turns around and makes the prize so much more beautiful than I ever imagined. The joy is sweeter when it was harder to achieve.
So as I approach the final days (hopefully just hours, but am resigned to days) of this final pregnancy, I look forward to the season ahead. Knowing I have learned so much through this waiting season. Aware so deeply of His sovereign hand in my life, guiding me, shaping me, and refining me. Preparing my heart and life to care for, nurture, protect and provide for this new precious life He has ordained. And that thought is humbling.
On a boy....
To make his debut...
Again!
Honestly. It feels like as I look back on my life, the short 28 years I have, that I tend to find myself in a lot of "waiting" stages.
Waiting to drive a car, waiting to date, waiting to get a job, waiting to grow up, waiting to finish high school, waiting to go to college, waiting to finish college, waiting for a job, waiting for marriage, waiting for a home, waiting for a career, waiting to have kids....you get the point.
I have HATED the waiting game. It has been like God would dangle exactly what He had for me in front of me and say..."I have this for you....but you have to wait for it." Ugh! Really? Why? And why must I wait so much if you intend to give it to me?
And so tonight I find myself in bed, waiting on this last little boy I will carry in my womb to decide when he will arrive. Waiting again....yet this time my heart feels different. Resigned not so much to the waiting, but at peace with the process.
For over the years, the seasons of struggling with God (is it ok to say that??? I struggle with God...full blown fights, tantrums and knock downs with Him, in my head and heart that is.) I have and still am learning that the process of waiting has become more about refining me through the fire of waiting than about denying me what He is offering.
Did that make sense to anyone but me?
I haven't walked through fires of drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, adultery, gambling, alcoholism or these other "heinous" sins as some would say, but I have struggled and fought Him with pride, arrogance, cynicism, over indulgence, greed, gossip, criticism, judgment, and a list of sins which are just a reprehensible in His eyes.
For a long time I viewed the waiting season as a form or torture or punishment of some kind. (Can you tell I had some whacked view of God at points?!?)
How very wrong I was!
As I look back on these past seasons of waiting I see how He had slowly molded me through them, fashioning me, softening me, expelling areas of sin, uncovering the darkness of my heart to myself. Using His blessing of what will be as my "bait" while walking me through the season of waiting to make me better.
So I wait. Uncomfortable, in pain, anxious, terrified, excited, and yet somehow all the while allowing my heart to be still and hear some sweet words whisper in that there is a work being done in the waiting. My soul will be stronger in the end and the endurance of the process will benefit my life. That the waiting is not so much a season of "sit and stare" but maybe more of "be still and pray" and "listen and grow" before you take the next step in the season ahead.
I think of Jesus....waiting 30 years as God "under cover" before he spent 3 years doing what He came to do.
Of he verse..."Those who wait on The Lord, shall renew their strength."
Of Jesus telling his closest disciples "wait here and pray"
Waiting is hard. It is especially hard for me. I want to see the action and live the excitement. I jump too quickly and react too swiftly. So I think He makes me wait to remind me to slow down and grow in the process, not just in the experience.
I know that He has always been faithful and always come through. There is a light at every tunnel, a dawn to every night, and an end to every wait. I don't want to just experience the main events any more....I want to experience the growth of the waits, the refining of the fire.
Crazy, I know! Who wants the struggle when you can have the prize?
I want the whole process because when I struggle and give my struggle to Him, He turns around and makes the prize so much more beautiful than I ever imagined. The joy is sweeter when it was harder to achieve.
So as I approach the final days (hopefully just hours, but am resigned to days) of this final pregnancy, I look forward to the season ahead. Knowing I have learned so much through this waiting season. Aware so deeply of His sovereign hand in my life, guiding me, shaping me, and refining me. Preparing my heart and life to care for, nurture, protect and provide for this new precious life He has ordained. And that thought is humbling.
10.26.2012
18 Month Bean
Crazy how time slips away....no matter how much we try to hold on to it. 18 months old already!!!!
We finally went to the doctor...you weighed in at 25.6 lbs, are 33 inches long and growing well on the charts :)
In everyday life you have become a little bit of a holy terror on Spider-Man steroids! You climb anything and everything! There is nothing you fear (very much contrary to what your big brother was like!). You are learning the process of "time out" and have even begun to throw full on tantrums at home...yes, laying on the floor and screaming. Since I can't quite pick you so easily now I tend to just walk over you and ignore the fit, which is working for now :)
You are smart....crazy smart! I can see the wheels in your brain turning as you process things....mostly how you are going to go about causing some form of destruction or climb something in the house. Your vocabulary is still a bit limited but I am not too terribly worried because you communicate exactly what you want and how you want it. Right now you say our own version of "pipe", "mama", "Sugar", "Cookie", "Nena", you give me signs for "all done", "more", "bye".
You love to play with the iPad and think you are 18 months going on 5. Anything MJD does you think you should too. Climbing the high top chairs is your newest feat and you love to sit like a big boy. Baby toys are a thing of the past! Bring on matchbox cars and watching video games with your brother. You want so badly to figure out how to play Mason's LeapPad that it drives you bonkers. You growl like a dinosaur and think it something everyone should do back to you. And every time MJD leaves the car to go to school you start to cry.
I have loved the last 18 months with you Bean :)
We finally went to the doctor...you weighed in at 25.6 lbs, are 33 inches long and growing well on the charts :)
In everyday life you have become a little bit of a holy terror on Spider-Man steroids! You climb anything and everything! There is nothing you fear (very much contrary to what your big brother was like!). You are learning the process of "time out" and have even begun to throw full on tantrums at home...yes, laying on the floor and screaming. Since I can't quite pick you so easily now I tend to just walk over you and ignore the fit, which is working for now :)
You are smart....crazy smart! I can see the wheels in your brain turning as you process things....mostly how you are going to go about causing some form of destruction or climb something in the house. Your vocabulary is still a bit limited but I am not too terribly worried because you communicate exactly what you want and how you want it. Right now you say our own version of "pipe", "mama", "Sugar", "Cookie", "Nena", you give me signs for "all done", "more", "bye".
You love to play with the iPad and think you are 18 months going on 5. Anything MJD does you think you should too. Climbing the high top chairs is your newest feat and you love to sit like a big boy. Baby toys are a thing of the past! Bring on matchbox cars and watching video games with your brother. You want so badly to figure out how to play Mason's LeapPad that it drives you bonkers. You growl like a dinosaur and think it something everyone should do back to you. And every time MJD leaves the car to go to school you start to cry.
I have loved the last 18 months with you Bean :)
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