Too many emotions...no right words

I had planned to post about pregnancy today.....to lament the nausea and explain this budding romance with my finale.....but my emotions are to up and down and my heart too broken to talk about happy things like babies and such, because I learned this morning, before I even had a chance to take a seat in church, that one of the young moms in our church lost her sweet 3 week old son this morning to SIDS. So while I feel an array of emotions (nonetheless heightened by my surplus of hormones) I am so acutely aware tonight of how there is so much that has nothing to do with me.

I almost laughed when Anita shared the news this morning with me.....my brain did not process or compute that Savannah had lost Isaiah. I denied it possible, as if saying it were false, would make her retract the information. I stood in the church stunned, when my breath returned to me and my brain wrapped around the information, my heart shattered. How? What? That's not possible, she just posted pictures online this weekend of him.....he was wearing clothes that had been Liam's and I had stopped to smile at her sweet boy who was wearing something my sweet boy had worn last year. He was healthy, fine.......he was.

My heart years for hers......we weren't close friends.....church acquaintances at best. She had only just begun Bible study with the ladies in the session I had taken a break from and my little one isn't big enough to play in MNT and my big one is in school, so I've not been terribly plugged in with the newer moms to the church. This kind of sorrow....not just pain, but torment and sorrow is not something that one would wish on an enemy, let alone a young mother. Ugh...as if the nausea wasn't bad enough...I feel ill at the terror they must have experienced upon waking this morning.

No matter what any person says about abortion and pregnancy in the "Pro-Choice" arena....the moment a woman learns she is pregnant forever changes her life. You can never "stop" being a mother once you conceive life. You can't forget it, hide it, or terminate it. It will always be a part of you, regardless of the final outcome. I can never be just a mom of two anymore....my life has created 3 and I will always have 3 children. Savannah stated on her FB wall that her faith is bringing her hope and she is grateful for her 24 days with Isaiah.....there's nothing to be said to comfort her, so telling her all will be well and time will heal it.....pain is just pain. Life is hard, sorrow hurts, sometimes there is nothing on this earth that can "fix" anything.

So I pray....I pray for each one of them. I pray every moment she comes to mind....and today it seems like she is constantly on my mind. I beg God for peace, command the Spirit to empower her, demand Satan away, and weep as she must simply be crying herself to sleep tonight.

I held my babies a little tighter tonight....let my little fall asleep in my arms....snuggled my big while he watched cartoons and prayed that God would grant me another day with my loves.

Enough rambling....I feel as if I've thrown all my emotions in an incoherent mess of words. So pardon the mess. But before you click off....pray for Savannah.

Yeah Baby!

Bean loves throwing his hands in the air and doing his version of "Yeah"!

Building Bears for the Boys

Bean received a gift card for his birthday and MJD has been begging to do a build a bear for a while....so post hair cuts we went to the mall for a fun day together :)

Picking out bears...

Adding sounds...

Stuffing bears....


Adding a heart.....

Bean waiting for his to be ready....

Cleaning the bears....

Getting Birth Certificates

Collecting a house and going home with new bears!

Little dude and a new do

We went up to Little Divas and Dudes this morning for Bean to get a real haircut. (Mama has trimmed it but it wasn't so great and not worth risking an entire cut.)

He was not so much a fan of the experience and rather than sitting nicely and watching Baby Einstein I had to hold him while he screamed :(

But a hair cut was accomplished...boogers and all!

Trying to sit in the chair alone....didn't last long!

Not liking this!

Is it almost over??!?!?!?

Save me Daddy!!!!

All done and with spikeys....no worries, Nena, the lady did it to see how it would look. MJD isn't a fan of it and Mama doesn't have hair gel at home so we won't do it often :)

Giggles

Seasons

I have never been the kind of mom who laments a baby growing up. I have learned to love the different seasons and stages my boys go through. With that said....I know this season in my life is complicated, to say the least.

My days are the best functioning part of my day and even that isn't great. With MJD at school in town 3 mornings I try to get errands run and stay in town with minimal driving. So my non preschool days have been jam packed lately, I have dropped off my boys with my MIL when I feel too sick to blink. (And a shout out to a very helpful and kind MIL who has graciously stepped in and helped in many ways.) So after thought, reflection and my soundboard husband I am scaling life back a bit, which sadly I have included cutting back my weekday women's Bible study.....

I could come up with a millions reasons to justify it and a million reason why I should be there....but today I played with my boys, stopped everything for snack on the kitchen floor, baked brownies with my big, made dinner at home, had the power go out during lunch and went on a spur of the moment run for lunch, napped with my sweeties, made a pet store and built a Lego town.....and intentionally had a fun day!

So while I can't control all the things in life, I can be intentionally in control of making sweet memories with my littles.

Little Things

Somedays I just have to be grateful for the little things in life that make a big difference....like a quiet dinner with my man at Chipotle after an unplanned trip to the doctor for an ultrasound. Nothing like sparkling grapefruit juice and an ultrasound photo to help end a crazy day.