11.06.2014

Back to the grind....

Life happens....in the blink of an eye, my life became engrossed in laundry, play dates, soccer practice, AWANA sections and more laundry....and things that were dear to me.....fell to the wayside.

I didn't mean to abandon my blog....or my Bible...or a slew of other things, but it happened. So here I am intentionally trying.....trying to focus on things that are important to me...that fill me up. Reading Scripture....and writing on a keyboard.

So let's dive in.....

First, I came across this book on some post of something from another blog and discovered Jen Hatmaker's A Modern Girl's  Guide to Bible Study. If you haven't picked it up and read it, you should. It's awesome. And when I mean awesome, I'm saying I started the book and it was like a sucker punch to the gut. The truth of her words hit me, and it was hard. And what was worse than the words of her book......she tells you that everything she has to say is kinda irrelevant if you're not reading the words out of HIS book......and then she points you toward Scripture. OUCH. 

I've gotten into the habit of reading a "Bible study" book written by one of the many Christian writers out there and would call it a day. Failing to stomp through the pages of Scripture digging for truth. Let's be real for a moment....it's easier that way. It's so much easier to just read something from some blog or email devotional and mark something off my "to-do" list claiming I've heard the Word of God for the day than it is to open my Bible, read His Words and be still. (I am in no way saying it's not a good thing to read your email devotionals or anything like that! Just that I was using a quick scan of a story about someone's life as my spiritual food, and maybe it wasn't the food I needed.)

So this book, and my Bible have been staring at me for days on my computer desk....my computer too. It's be taunting me all week. I knew if I came to them, I would be forced to have to sit and listen, and then not just listen, but respond. I finally put my "big girl panties on" and opened up where I left off. James, chapter one, verse five. I had only to get to verse 12 for the day, but man was that enough.

Verse 5 did me in. "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." 

UGHHHHH. Right where I am at. Struggling with how to parent my oldest little. Struggling through the battle of teaching obedience, yet not wanting to teach because of fear, but because of submission. In the grit and grime of learning to read, shaping his attitude and molding his heart to love Jesus. This mothering gig is HARD WORK! Some days I feel the frustration oozing out of me and it get directed toward them simply by default of the kids being the only ones present. And the irony is, the frustration stems from my own irritation with myself for not knowing what to do with these little humans I am an entrusted with. WISDOM. Oh, I need it. I need lots of it. And so many times I head to the wrong places to find it. Blogs on parenting, a new child psychologist on t.v., a book on raising children. All good things, but I keep skipping past the best book. WHY? Why do I do this?

Again, my heart tells me because everything else feels "easy" to me. But coming before God makes me have to lay my sin down. That I screwed up with my kid about something insignificant, or that I said something unkind to my man, or any of the number of sins I can commit in a day. Reading a blog doesn't make me stare at my need, it gives me a false sense of control or power. If I would just do ..... then I would have the kid I want. Jesus is telling me something different. I have to give my heart and entrust the heart of my sons to Him.

This daily dying to myself is hard work......and having to lay my motherhood down at the cross, well that seems even harder.

Today it was 7 verses. Nothing huge, not some long chapter on lineage or law. Just one verse I needed to hear. "you should ask God," So tonight, in my stillness I am asking for His wisdom. On how to reach my son's heart. How to handle my toddler's tantrums, how to lead them to His heart. Because I know HIS heart is good toward us.

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