Easier said than done

It's always easier to say something about God than it is to walk it out.....so while I should have been documenting more of this metamorphosis of change in my heart and life I haven't quite had the courage to....maybe for fear that if I write it out it then it is in fact really happening.....but alas the stage of denial is over...I don't know where to start.....

My home is my idol....OUCH....holding back tears here....I have loved my home for the last 6 years....loved it....it is gorgeous, a great size, fits everyone for parties and events, has been full of amazing memories and is my place of security....Oh man, I can't believe I just wrote that out. It's kind of shameful now that I think of it....When MJD was first born my heart broke into pieces when I went back to work....and I did it because if I wasn't working then we just couldn't keep up with the mortgage payments. (Story for another time.) So I rationalized in my head and heart that God blessed us with this home and we had to be responsible and sacrifice what we must to keep it....UGH! It was a miserable season in our lives....struggling to work and raise a family, guilt over leaving him, resentment with my hubby, anger toward God, just some not so pretty things...so when we decided to have Liam we had saved money and tucked away credit and planned on my staying home for a year with him after he was born.....what a season! There was so much happiness and peace and the structure and dynamic of our family changed in a huge way.....then the year started to come to a close and a decision had to be made....resign or return to work....talk about tension and anxiety! So I prayed and prayed and prayed and there didn't seem a way to financially manage things without my working....and then I found out I was pregnant AGAIN! REALLY GOD, THIS IS YOUR SOLUTION???? If things were complicated before, they got even more complicated now....

So I prayed, and cried and I tried to figure things out...and then it came time to let go and let God....so we stepped back, more out of the complete inability to do anything to fix things. We resigned that we were left with two options....sell the house and find a way to live in something more affordable so as to keep me home with the kids, or go back to work for a few months and then leave a complete newborn in the care of family members and my littles in the responsibility of someone else while I work to help pay for the house. God literally made me decide what was more important, choosing to provide my own security and comfort or the well being and development of my children. (When I look at it now, I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly selfish I feel that I was even in the position where God had to make me choose.) Once I saw my options, it was no contest....my boys matter more than my comfort, security or pride. How could I stand Him one day
and account for the well being of these precious children when I would choose myself over then?!?!

I can not even begin to tell you much freedom I began to start feeling when I put aside my pride and laid everything down at the altar. When I said to God, "There is nothing in my power to do, we can't fix this or find a way out. If you don't come through and make this work somehow we're done for." Knowing I can no longer hold the reigns to this roller coaster ride freaks me out and at the same time there is a peace in my soul I can not begin to explain.

The house went on the market a month ago, we had one showing and nothing came of it...price dropped some and another showing....now the people from yesterday came back today with family to show the house to and seem interested.....the peace I had felt began to shatter....I had hoped to just stay in the house and it take a while to sell. I frantically did the math....if they make an offer now and the bank takes their time and then we close and have 30 days.....wait a minute....that is the week I am due! And again I began to feel fear and panic rise in my heart as Satan whispered thoughts like arrows to my heart. So I hit my knees and searched His Word....cause honestly that's the only thing in my power at this point. To trust, complete uninhibited faith, that He will provide, protect and lead when we have no clue.

This process hurts....so much! Emotionally I have done great, pregnancy hormones and all, but as I shed off these layers of my heart and come to terms with how much importance and emotional attachment I put into my home, nothing more than concrete and wood, here today and gone tomorrow, instead of my eternal Savior...oh, that was a hard pill to swallow. And something I am certainly not proud to admit.

But...there is always a "but" right? But through all this struggle, I have learned more and more the true meaning of conviction faith over convenience faith. I have learned what it really means to trust in Him, to let go of the things that bind up my heart, to see the tricks of the enemy, to cast aside my pride, to run to Him first in my time of need. I've learned to seek Him for the solution and not offer Him my solution. To come to Him and ask His blessing before opening up windows of opportunity instead of making a choice and then coming to ask for a blessing after I've already committed.

It hurts to have people come into your space and your home searching it out for themselves. Opening doors and closets and seeing your dirty laundry :) I ran from it at first and let Tim deal with it, he gladly offered to take away that pain from me. Then when I had to do it, I found my defenses build and anger rise, as if I was entitled, Oh Lord, please don't let my heart get hard and proud! So as I keep bringing Him my junk, broken heart, fear, etc. I am in such awe at His compassion and mercy, how He continually just holds me again in His peace and tells me it will be ok. As hard as it is for humans to come in and scope out the home you live in, it is so much harder to be willing to walk out your faith and let God come in and clean up your home.

I sometimes want to walk away and say the process hurts too much, because it does indeed....but I caught a glimpse of the joy....I felt the touch of peace, the moment of strength that was not my own, I'm tired of running around on the hamster wheel of life. I want the refinement. I want my faith to be real and firm, no longer wavering and unsteady and I know the only way to receive that is to walk through these seasons, sometimes painful, and feel the Master fashion me.

When did

My sweet little itty bitty baby boy turn into such a big little guy????


Big enough to chill in bed on Saturday mornings (after sleeping in, thank you!) and eat snack while watching cartoon???

Zoo Day

As if we don't have enough funny smells and loud noises in our home with all this boy creature, our family packed up for the day and headed out to the zoo....SO MUCH FUN.....and oh so HOT!

But the boys loved the afternoon of animal viewing....

 Giraffe feeding....

 Camel riding....

 Train Chooing.....

 

Water Splashing....

GOOD TIMES!

Grrr

So in keeping with full disclosure of the up and down of motherhood....today was a DOWN kind of nothing I can do will win day :/

Set the stage: MJD spent the night Sunday night with his Nena and Papa...yeah! Middle of the day Nena calls me and asks me to research this Dream Light dog that MJD saw on t.v. and desperately wants....there was an online code and could I just order it for her to give to him. He even said he saw it in the stores.....ok, I check it out. Hello, not allowing her to spend $40 for it online plus shipping and decide it can wait a few days before we commit....

Tuesday....I am babysitting Audrey who is 12 months old, have Bean and MJD and decide to take the kids out to breakfast at CFA to play and get out energy so they will all nap well in the afternoon and I can have a break. (Good plan right, plan for a crazy morning and enjoy the calm afternoon?!?!) After we eat and play nicely, with friends who joined us nonetheless, we head over to Target....5 kids in tow and one of us pregnant! (You should have seen the looks I got from cranky old ladies, I swear I could hear them saying, "Doesn't this chick get the clue and stop having babies!?" in their heads.)

MJD spots the Dream Lite Puppy, because of course the idiotic managers at Target hate mothers of small children and have an entire end cap display of these $30 stinking light up pillow pets!!!!! So I tell him, we will call Nena and you and her can come tomorrow together and get one here. (I thought this was a great idea, especially since I was planning a fun day for him for Wed.) 

Wednesday.....we were supposed to have a family day at the zoo, however it got pushed back because of some work engagements for Tim....so knowing that the kids, mainly MJD, would wake up and be disappointed I made arrangements for Nena to watch Bean and I would take MJD to the movie theater just the two of us, then do some school clothing shopping and lunch out....am I not the best mother ever?!?!? I totally should have just said, oh well, no zoo, let's play inside the house all day!

Morning is going great, we load up and head out, MJD choosing to use his Leapster 2 in the car...so I go inside and pick up the iPod and go to put it in the little viewer contraption I made for the car so Liam can watch a show on the way.....MJD starts a fit! He wants both :/ Not acceptable. Fit ensues.... I see this quickly climaxing out of control....too late....we have full blown screaming in the car.... (Does anyone elses' child do this or is this particular to my breed of 4 year old?) I am literally down the street from my house.....pull over, calmly open his door and tell him to control himself or he will have to leave the car....he does not....(I should at this point go home....however there are now several people who are going to be inconvenienced because of different plans I have made and I am optimistic that if he will just allow me to take him on our date and spend some one on one time together he will enjoy the day and feel loved.) so I remove him from the vehicle and get in the driver seat and move the car forward 20 feet so he knows how serious I am....he screams more and runs next to the car....(Can I tell you at this point I want to laugh, no idea why, but I know this is going to end bad and laughing seems the only inappropriate appropriate response.) Stop the car, get out, show him neighbors are now watching his fit, he calms down, agrees to behave and we go....I remind him we will get this treat of a pillow pet if he can change his behavior quickly, have a nice day, meet up with Nena and have fun.....make it to the half way mark of our 10 minute drive and he freaks out again because he wants the iPod rather than the Leapster and begins fit again....so in thinking that I don't want to be the bad guy and ruin the day I quickly call hubby to come talk to him....we pull into Tim's work, he comes out, takes MJD into office and chats with him...out comes MJD who was calm for .5 seconds and then has a fit again....to which Tim responds no pillow pet today :/ I knew this was inevitable, but it was the nail in the coffin for a terrible day. We get to mall, drop off Bean with Nena which produces another round of screaming because MJD wants to go with her and can't process I was trying to do something nice for him and take him out alone......GRR!!!! I am LOSING patience at this point and throw him in the car to go home. Praying for grace and remembering he's 4, and a lot of life changes are happening for him, and he's 4, and I am irritable from hormones and he's 4, and he's 4....I calm down, allow him to calm down, he apologizes for the fit to Nena and asks to go to the movie.....I succumb, because I of course actually wanted this date to be wonderful and surely if he will just let me snuggle him while we watch this movie and spend some time together he will be happy, right? Oi....immediately after movie and a couple times throughout the showing he remembers he lost the dog privilege and begins to tear up...really? Still on that?

We make it home....after a long and not at all the kind of day I planned, with no Dream Lite dog, a very miserable 4 year old and a confused 15 month old....take naps, and thank God I was able to sleep, because the moment MJD woke up and came to my room to wake me up he was talking about going to Target to get the dog! Really kid, did you miss the entire morning where we fought and fought and fought some more and you lost the dog, how was that not clear enough for you? No is NO! To which another battle ensues and at this point I am SICK AND TIRED of hearing about this thing and call Nena to let her know she is NEVER to promise him anything again :( By the time Tim walked in from work, I looked defeated on the sofa.....Oi! (Mind you with hormones and being 6 months pregnant....I am near tears...wondering why I am such a terrible mother, how things got this bad, who this little creature is and what has happened to my sweet child?!) So I quickly called a friend for a quick rescue because honestly I couldn't handle the struggle anymore. So after the changing of the guard in our house I whipped up dinner, while MJD and Tim fought about the dog...to which apparently Tim was able to put an end to and I left the house until 8:35 at which time MJD was being tucked into bed. 

I know....long horrible rant that nobody really cares, and if you are still reading this post, there is probably something wrong with you. But so goes my day.....I still can't figure out why in the world he wanted to spoil a day I had wanted to be so nice. Today just sucked. The only words I can think of to describe this dog toy are all expletives I would not put in the blog....and I don't have one in my home and I already hate it! Surely tomorrow has to be a better day??? Right?

15 Month Bean

I don't know how it happened, but once again, I blinked and my baby boy went from a sweet 12 month old to a tornado of a 15 month old! Oi! Tonight you let me rock you to sleep and I the savored quiet peace of you sleeping in my arms. A rarity it seems these days.

Most of your days are spent running around the house, chasing your brother, terrorizing the dog and scaling all furniture or cabinets within eyesight. You rarely stop moving unless you are parked in front of the t.v. and wanting to watch Pocoyo or decide you want to climb on my lap while I am trying to do something on the computer or at the sewing machine.

Your "pipe" (a.k.a. pacifier) has become your best friend.....along with your Woobie blanket, which you feel like you need to have everywhere, and constantly seems to get you tangled up.

Vocabulary is beginning to sprout up and at your well visit this week we were happy to learn you are meeting your 5 word milestone: "mama" "dad" "pi pi pi" (pipe) "uh oh" "ba" (ball)

Your stats came in high enough to make mama happy, especially since you seem to have become a picky eater and seem to graze all day rather than eat meals with us....but you checked in at 22.8 lbs and 31.24 inches, and both were above average and showing growth on the chart.

Personality wise....boy oh boy are you stubborn! Sweet as a peach when you are happy, but you are starting to get a little temper....you cry A LOT when I drop you off at the church nursery, certainly know enough not to let your big brother push you around too much, and you have quickly learned that Daddy is a lot of fun. Now when he comes home from work you quickly run to the door to greet him and play, leaving mama in the dust.

Before I know it, I will blink and you'll be 18 months!

Happy Fourth

Happy Birthday America! Happy first holiday having to split between families.....we won't complain :) Just happy to have them all near by.

Oi....it begins

MJD has loved race car games on the iPod and his V-Tech player....but now he wants them on the big tv like Daddy's games.....so when Daddy got a gift card for the game store he promised a car game for MJD....now I have a 4 year old trying to learn how to maneuver the remote and race Holly Shiftwell across the tv screen :)

So goes life in my world of boy!