A post modern view of date night

Before children....date nights with my man consisted of coming home from work, showering, putting on a new outfit, makeup, high heels....dinner out, a little shopping and a late night movie at the theater and then home for the night and sleeping in the next day.

Flash forward 5 years and 3 babies later.....

Half off pizza night, picked up from the restaurant so we don't have to find a sitter or pay extra for service....(honestly so we don't have to share food with the kids!) Boys tucked into bed sleeping and us eating in bed, in pajamas and chatting about our day (nasty clients, ailing in laws, poopy diapers and tantrums.)

That's how we roll, folks! Keeping life real and our marriage alive....one pizza in bed at a time :-)

Waiting

I am waiting....

On a boy....

To make his debut...

Again!

Honestly. It feels like as I look back on my life, the short 28 years I have, that I tend to find myself in a lot of "waiting" stages.

Waiting to drive a car, waiting to date, waiting to get a job, waiting to grow up, waiting to finish high school, waiting to go to college, waiting to finish college, waiting for a job, waiting for marriage, waiting for a home, waiting for a career, waiting to have kids....you get the point.

I have HATED the waiting game. It has been like God would dangle exactly what He had for me in front of me and say..."I have this for you....but you have to wait for it." Ugh! Really? Why? And why must I wait so much if you intend to give it to me?

And so tonight I find myself in bed, waiting on this last little boy I will carry in my womb to decide when he will arrive. Waiting again....yet this time my heart feels different. Resigned not so much to the waiting, but at peace with the process.

For over the years, the seasons of struggling with God (is it ok to say that??? I struggle with God...full blown fights, tantrums and knock downs with Him, in my head and heart that is.) I have and still am learning that the process of waiting has become more about refining me through the fire of waiting than about denying me what He is offering.

Did that make sense to anyone but me?

I haven't walked through fires of drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, adultery, gambling, alcoholism or these other "heinous" sins as some would say, but I have struggled and fought Him with pride, arrogance, cynicism, over indulgence, greed, gossip, criticism, judgment, and a list of sins which are just a reprehensible in His eyes.

For a long time I viewed the waiting season as a form or torture or punishment of some kind. (Can you tell I had some whacked view of God at points?!?)

How very wrong I was!

As I look back on these past seasons of waiting I see how He had slowly molded me through them, fashioning me, softening me, expelling areas of sin, uncovering the darkness of my heart to myself. Using His blessing of what will be as my "bait" while walking me through the season of waiting to make me better.

So I wait. Uncomfortable, in pain, anxious, terrified, excited, and yet somehow all the while allowing my heart to be still and hear some sweet words whisper in that there is a work being done in the waiting. My soul will be stronger in the end and the endurance of the process will benefit my life. That the waiting is not so much a season of "sit and stare" but maybe more of "be still and pray" and "listen and grow" before you take the next step in the season ahead.

I think of Jesus....waiting 30 years as God "under cover" before he spent 3 years doing what He came to do.

Of he verse..."Those who wait on The Lord, shall renew their strength."

Of Jesus telling his closest disciples "wait here and pray"

Waiting is hard. It is especially hard for me. I want to see the action and live the excitement. I jump too quickly and react too swiftly. So I think He makes me wait to remind me to slow down and grow in the process, not just in the experience.

I know that He has always been faithful and always come through. There is a light at every tunnel, a dawn to every night, and an end to every wait. I don't want to just experience the main events any more....I want to experience the growth of the waits, the refining of the fire.

Crazy, I know! Who wants the struggle when you can have the prize?

I want the whole process because when I struggle and give my struggle to Him, He turns around and makes the prize so much more beautiful than I ever imagined. The joy is sweeter when it was harder to achieve.

So as I approach the final days (hopefully just hours, but am resigned to days) of this final pregnancy, I look forward to the season ahead. Knowing I have learned so much through this waiting season. Aware so deeply of His sovereign hand in my life, guiding me, shaping me, and refining me. Preparing my heart and life to care for, nurture, protect and provide for this new precious life He has ordained. And that thought is humbling.

18 Month Bean

Crazy how time slips away....no matter how much we try to hold on to it. 18 months old already!!!!

We finally went to the doctor...you weighed in at 25.6 lbs, are 33 inches long and growing well on the charts :)

In everyday life you have become a little bit of a holy terror on Spider-Man steroids! You climb anything and everything! There is nothing you fear (very much contrary to what your big brother was like!). You are learning the process of "time out" and have even begun to throw full on tantrums at home...yes, laying on the floor and screaming. Since I can't quite pick you so easily now I tend to just walk over you and ignore the fit, which is working for now :)

You are smart....crazy smart! I can see the wheels in your brain turning as you process things....mostly how you are going to go about causing some form of destruction or climb something in the house. Your vocabulary is still a bit limited but I am not too terribly worried because you communicate exactly what you want and how you want it. Right now you say our own version of "pipe", "mama", "Sugar", "Cookie", "Nena", you give me signs for "all done", "more", "bye".

You love to play with the iPad and think you are 18 months going on 5. Anything MJD does you think you should too. Climbing the high top chairs is your newest feat and you love to sit like a big boy. Baby toys are a thing of the past! Bring on matchbox cars and watching video games with your brother. You want so badly to figure out how to play Mason's LeapPad that it drives you bonkers. You growl like a dinosaur and think it something everyone should do back to you. And every time MJD leaves the car to go to school you start to cry.

I have loved the last 18 months with you Bean :)

Hello Monday

Welcome to my Monday and Thursday mornings :/ Attached to fetal monitors at SMH to monitor how well baby is moving and my amniotic fluid levels.

My OB is out of town this week, great! So since baby kicks and then stays still for hours, he decided to make me get monitored while he is out of town. Hearing the heartbeat is cool, the thought of seeing him on the ultrasound was good.....except for the fact he is now so big that you can't see anything but his back and butt :)

So we drive up to the hospital and drive back....and wait patiently for these tests to finish and baby to make his debut....definitely glad we haven't had to do these tests each pregnancy!

Final Maternity Photos

I did maternity photos with each of the boys in the past. Not that any of them will actually care, and we had planned to do them this time around a few weeks ago, but then weather rained us out.  Tim decided it was going to cost a lot of money, and we had the option to pay off a credit card instead....so being grown ups and parents of 3 small humans we opted to pay off the credit card :/

So this morning Casie (once again, have I mentioned she might just be the most amazing human ever!) made me document the fact that yes, I did indeed have a third and final pregnancy....

Side note....no one should ever be allowed to take pictures this pregnant....no matter what angle, it is just BIG :( But alas, in full disclosure, and in keeping things real, here is a very full term pregnant me to prove that yes indeed I was pregnant with this boy called Lincoln. 

Littlest Man Shower

I LOVE parties, when I get to throw them or just come as a guest....but to be the center of the party kinda makes me anxious....like a lot! And, it felt kinda silly to do a baby shower for the third baby, especially the third boy at that...but Casie insisted that "every baby needs to be celebrated" so she hosted the most ADORABLE "Little Man" shower! Aside from hanging out with the sweetest ladies ever, I absolutely loved seeing all of her touches, details and the creative eye.

Surrender

I am scared to tears about the fact that baby #3 is on his way....like possibly any day within the next 3 weeks.

3 WEEKS!!!!! That really is not very much time for your entire world to change!

This time I know better.....I know how hard nursing a new babe is....I know how difficult labor is and how much a delivery hurts.....I know how awful it is to be in pain after a baby is born and then have to care for this helpless new life when all you want to do is sleep away the next few weeks.....I know that sleepless nights make for cranky mothers (and this time around there are 2 big little lives counting on me to keep going)....I know husbands get left in the dust at times when babies require everything you have to give and more....I know this is going to be really really hard.

Yeah....literally scared to tears.....I try not to think of it...to ignore the inevitable hoping time will slow or something....it hasn't worked. So today as I unpacked diapers and wipes and baby items off my table from my shower last night I found myself surrendering.

I've found some things in life are pretty easy to surrender to God....my marriage wasn't too bad to surrender, my career was easier to surrender, relationships weren't awful to lay down, finances was a bit of a struggle sometimes, but letting go of motherhood.....this one is a doozy.

Every time I think I have won a battle and surrendered something to Him and am ready to move on, I find He is right around the next corner telling me, "Yeah, I want that too. Hand it over, lay it down."

Just when I got the hang of staying home with babies, when life got easy, my marriage got stable and strong, my parenting felt effective, my ministry safe, finances manageable, friendships predictable, my world got turned upside down.

So here I am, blinking back tears...confused as to wanting so badly to hold this baby in my arms and see his sweet face, yet knowing that his arrival will forever alter my world. Letting go of my power and control in this world of motherhood and handing over these broken pieces of pride and control. I have no idea how I will possibly manage, let alone thrive, in this crazy mix of boys. How do I care for this new life while caring for the others? How do I get groceries done, or make breakfast for littles while nursing littlest?

I have a lot of fears this time around....maybe more so than the first time I did it. Yet, I keep thinking back to the night this guy was conceived....and what I can't help but think about was the overwhelming memory of feeling like God was really doing something big in our lives. So I'm holding on to that, to the promise that He isn't going to leave me alone in this process, that He isn't up to no good, that this life is a precious gift, that I was made for this, that if He is going to bring me to it, then He will walk me through it.

Tonight I'm going to lay down mothering and surrender the job to Him, trusting that He will show me how to do a better job than I can do on my own.

A really big 5 year old

Well birthday celebration week has come and gone! Birthday fairy came with presents at home, birthday boy got lunch out with Nena and Papa an then a dinner at his other grandparents house with cousins. To finish off the week we celebrated with some of his school and church buddies for a hassle free but very busy party at CFA....which by the way was awesome! No work for me to do and we got to walk away from the mess at the end, and it was about the same, if not less money in total because I didn't go over board or stress out about party planning!

Post Pre-School pick up date

I love this spunky, funny, rambunctious dude who was the first boy in the world to call me mama. So when we had an impromptu date at Panera following school today, I found myself just staring at his sweet self and soaking in the short 30 mins of alone time bliss.

He is getting too big, too fast!

Lord, help me never take for granted this precious little man!!!!

I know....

I know how incredibly HUGE I look. Yes, I see myself in a mirror several times a day. So I got the hint that I am big.

NEWSFLASH: There is a human being living inside of my body....I didn't just eat a watermelon whole. And I didn't get this big overnight....as a matter of fact, it has taken me 36 weeks to grow into this size. And give me at least 36-38 weeks after I have healed from expelling this human from my body to fit back into my sexy boot size 4 Gap jeans! I will get there, but it takes time!!!!

I don't randomly go up to obese people and tell them how huge they look, so what makes people think they can just go up to pregnant women and talk about how huge they are???

So cut me some slack....I haven't slept in weeks and imagine I won't be sleeping well for the next few months. I am no longer capable of eating an actual meal, I simply graze a few bites here and there. My joints have no idea where they belong anymore. And almost everything in my body hurts almost all the time, yet I am still taking care of my home, going to the grocery store, running errands, bathing children, doing laundry, cooking meals (sometimes), doing preschool drop off and pickup, tutoring, and the other endless tasks required of me.

There is a foot that is rather solidly lodged in my rib cage, and when this not so little, little baby gets the hiccups I feel like my entire body does a little jump with each hiccup.

So to the next very nice, I am sure well meaning jerk who tells me..."You look like you're going to pop!" I may just pop you in the face.

Can you tell I am am maybe a little flooded with hormones today?

Birthday Fairy

Tomorrow morning my big is going to be FIVE years old!?!?! How did that many years just slip away????

I remember so vividly this same night five years ago, packing for the hospital, chatting with Tim in bed and sleeping very little as we anxiously awaited 5 am to go to the hospital for our induction!

Here we are, 5 years later, playing Birthday Fairy....tired from wearing the boys out and just a month or less away from meeting our final little addition to our family.

So as we curl up in bed tonight to chat and watch some tv...we have streamers taped to his door that he will walk through when he awakes, a new desk and chair for a big guy for his room (with all the trimmings for his wall and new art stuff) and even some presents from the little brothers an an aunt on the other side of the country.

Can't wait to share another birthday with him!!!!