I'm afraid

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid. And rather than hide the fear, I am confronting it.

I'm not afraid about God not being good. I am afraid that what He deems as good, won't "feel" good.

I'm afraid of the storm. The unknown, the unsettled and the unexpected. I'm afraid of more dreams dashed, more hopes left forgotten, and more unknowing. It's a control issue. Can you tell how screwed up my control issue is. Even in the knowing I have no control, I want control of my fear.

In the storm with the disciples, Jesus asked why they were afraid???? They had Him with them. Yet they were still scared. I have Him with me. I shouldn't be scared. Yet I am. Am I really letting His presence be enough? Or am I crowding Him out??

I know in this whole house selling/moving/buying situation, there is almost nothing in my control over. I don't control the prices, the banks, the financing, the buyers, or other sellers.

Every home we've wanted has sold before we've had a chance to see it, bid on it, or sign names on papers.

I'm afraid. Not that I won't have a roof over my head, but that in this case, that I will really have absolutely no control.

Fear creeps in, like a "thief in the night," and surrounds my heart more times than I care to list. Moments of hope seem to be vapors and then disappointment comes like a pounding wave.

And really? I'm asking for something that most people would never even dream to ask for. So much more than millions of people. I'm not entitled it, owed it, or anything. Yet I feel as if I am. How messed up is that???

So my expectations have lead to frustration, which leads to fear and apprehension. My heart want to build walls up against God. To scream at him, "What are you doing?" "Is it too much to ask for a little help here?" "Where are you?" "Why won't you just tell me what to do?"

I'll do it. Or will I? Will I really walk the road ahead of me, if He tells me what it is? Is the unknowing for my good?

In my Bible study today I read, "We're often intimidated in battle because we are uncertain of our faith. We must remember we don't stand in victory because of our faith. We stand in victory because of our God." (Beth Moore's David Study)

Battle sucks. Nothing pretty about it. Bloody and brutal. I'm not even fighting a real war, but my heart sure feels broken, bleeding and deserted on the battlefield. And I am reminded just now, that our fight is "not against the physical, but against the spiritual." 

I want to quit trusting. I want to throw up my hands in surrender and say screw it all, let me figure out a plan on my own. But I've been that road before and this time I know I don't have answers and I can't make things work.

I want my home to be one where I can walk in the door and know it has been bestowed as a loving gift from God. That we have it because of His great hand and not our own works.

I'm not ready to quit fighting. My heart is on the line this time, not just a home or a bank account. I need God to come through. I need to see Him work, His hand guiding our lives. I won't leave until He does something big.

Good bye 2!

Tonight I say good bye to the terrifically, terrible, twos for my second child. The days seem forever long and tedious, yet I feel as if I blink and another year escapes my grasp. 

How is it that tomorrow marks three years of this precious life? This ever moving, sweet speaking, snuggle up beside me little boy. His strawberry gold hair across his face while he sleeps reminds me of sweet snuggles as a newborn baby. His big green eyes bring all the hope and goodness of this world into light for me. 

I sit here, his sweet body sleeping on the sofa behind me. His little legs strewn beneath the cover of a blanket and I am in awe. In complete humble wonder that the Creator of life would bless me with the honor of being this sweet boy's mother. It is a task I am often a failure at, but so grateful for the grace and mercy of every day with him. 

Happy last day of being two my sweet Liam. You are so incredibly special to my heart.