Heaviness

The past couple weeks of my world have been swamped with a million things on my to do list, demanding children, needy family members, a busy work schedule for my husband, and endless responsibility....so as I climbed into bed the other night ready to curl into a ball to sleep, with this aching desire to just cry, I found myself just feeling as if life was heavy. 

My heart burdened for loved ones......heaviness. 

My days busy with littles......heaviness. 

My nights filled with housework, homework and headaches.....heaviness. 

As my husband wrapped his arms around me to offer me his strength and comfort, he whispered, "You feel heavy because you are trying to carry burdens that you were never meant to carry." 

Ouch, truth. I know this....yet I keep finding myself back at this pace, this need to pick up a burden that isn't mine to hold. A need to control what is out of my control....and all it does is lead me to a place of struggle, frustration and heaviness. 

I need so much to cling to these truths, to hide them deep in my heart and have them spill forth more often so I do not take on the heaviness of this world. 

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." 

Matthew 11:28-30

Praise be to The Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalms 68:19

43 Stitches

I just took off the dressing to a wound on my face.....I don't know what hurt more...the wound or the sight of the wound.

I wanted to cry, but I can't my eye is too swollen and the stitches too tight. The best I could get was a text to my girlie about crawling into a hole.

My husband stood by me, wanting desperately to help, or to support me, or comfort me, I'm not quite sure exactly. I wanted to scream at him to leave; I don't need an audience, I don't want to see you look.

I want to scream....but I don't even know what I would say. It's just my knee jerk, normal gut reaction...to feel something and become "unglued."

So I stood there and stared, cleaned it out with Q-tips and lathered Polysporin. What is this? This stillness, am I numb? 

I literally feel like I am trapped within something....and then I realized the name of it.....PEACE. A stillness so powerful I can hardly move. A power completely not of my own. A promise of more than I can see.

It's not easy to stand within the peace. It seems foreign in a way. Unnatural, if you will. A part of me wants to throw a "two year old" tantrum, get bitter and ask "why me?", be angry, run to fear. I know those reactions, I've been there before.

A voice says, give thanks.....not for the pain, but through it. So I do.

I'm thankful for rich people problems....because with as little as I feel we have, we are rich.

We had the money to pay for the surgery. (It's all gone now, so we'll see what happens next week for the next one, but for this one we had it.)

I had the resources and finances to find the problem and treat it. And live in a place and time where it can be treated.

The solution was just surgery, 2 hours later and it's gone. No chemo, radiation, just surgery.

I had a bed and a home and food to come home to.

It wasn't one of my children.

My husband was with me through all of it.

My family is here to help me.

My friends have been by to check on me, deliver treats and even bring make up :)

I had to lay in bed for 2 days, but I have legs to walk, strength to stand, and a strong body. 

I will never be able to not see the scar on my face and think of that moment....when Peace stepped in. 

This is new territory.....painful terrain. I don't want to walk through these fields, but the promise of the flowers beyond brings comfort. The soil of my heart is shifting, I don't want to lose the seeds being planted. I want this root of peace to take hold in my heart.

I know He cares

About the little details of my life....the little things that touch my heart....After all the potential excitement everyone had about the grande finale possibly being our little girl and then learning we were expecting another boy I heard a lot of I was so sure it was a girl and I am sorry you won't get your princess.

Well I am embracing this world of boys...mud, trucks, noise and superheroes! But superhero gear is EXPENSIVE!!!! So when on a fluke I walk into Old Navy and peek into the boy clearance and discover all the superhero stuff on clearance, plus an extra 30% off on top and I have a rewards coupon I can use with me I know that was all His doing to remind me to embrace this time with my little men, savor each second of their precious lives and bring on the superhero power!

Moments

I don't always pause and allow the moment to happen.....I am glad it happened today while we were in the car.

MJD: When you die you go to heaven?

Me: Yes if you believe in Jesus and ask him to live in your heart.

MJD: If you don't go to heaven you go to hell?

Me: Yes

MJD: Are there benches?

Me: In hell? I don't know baby. But mommy won't be there, I am going to heaven.

MJD: Because you are a good person and love Jesus.

Me: Well mommy isn't always a good person. But I asked Jesus in my heart. Do you know how to do that?

MJD: Jesus makes your heart not black anymore?

Me: Yes, I told Jesus I am sorry for my sin, when I do bad things, and He came in my heart.

MJD: When you do bad things you say sorry to Jesus and he comes back in?

Me: Well once you ask him in your heart he never leaves, but when you do something bad you make him sad, so you have to say sorry and ask for help to be good.

MJD closes his eyes and I hear him mumble something of a prayer in the back seat....all I catch is "sorry" and "make my heart not black"

I don't quite know what all he processes and understands at this tender age of 4.....I want to make sure I don't push what isn't ready yet.....something is brewing.....I want him to have a relationship more than a religion to grow up in.....Lord, lead this so I don't screw him up!

Baby Andrew

Last week during our Beth Moore video she talked about the difference between trials and tragedy. How so often we face minor inconveniences and annoyances and we call them trials or tragedies and grumble and complain about everything God is doing and how difficult things are, when the truth of the matter is all we are is annoyed at a situation.

She had a great week of lessons and a couple quotes really stuck out to me:
" Sometimes what we need to cure our fat egos is a strong dose of God." "If only we could realize that we make life so much more complicated when our approach to life is 'all about me.'"

Wow! How often do I make things about me and my minor annoyances when the truth is I am healthy, my family is healthy and while things aren't perfect in my life I am seriously blessed beyond measure.

This hits home so much more this week as I am praying for God's healing in the life of a little boy Andrew. Andrew was born a week ago to some friends of friends we know in Orlando. We met Brian and Wendy through another friend a few years ago. Their oldest son Timothy is about Mason's age, and they just welcomed baby Andrew into their family last week. When Wendy took Andrew for his 5 day appt. the doctor heard a heart murmur and sent her to the cardiologist. At the cardiologist office they rushed the baby to the children's hospital.

Now baby Andrew is on a respirator, ventilator, and being pumped with lots of medicines. Apparently his heart is barely functioning and the doctors don't yet know why. Wendy is walking through tragedy. As they wait and see if baby Andrew will be coming home with them or going home to the Lord, her faith is shaken, her body weak, and her family fearful. Yet, God is still in control, and she knows that.

Every time I think selfishly, I remind myself of Andrew and this trial in Wendy's life. I pray for their faith to sustain them, that God would heal Andrew, that Brian and Wendy would draw their strength from Him and they would see the glory of God all around them.

I cannot, as a mother, even begin to fathom the pain of leaving a hospital without your newborn in your arms, of not holding your child, of being in pain when you should be feeling joy. So if you read this post and you know the power of prayer, please join with me in praying Brian, Wendy, and baby Andrew through this trial so that it may result in healing and peace.

My moments this week

So I'm in. I love it. I need it. Beth Moore Bible Study has me hooked. Truthfully, I was very skeptical about the entire thing. I mean why are so many women in love with this lady and her work. Sounded too good to be true, and I didn't really want to jump on some kind of religious bandwagon. Been there, done that, been a fool.

This is different. It's not about the book, videos, etc. This time it's the real deal. It truly is a God thing. Beth Moore just happens to have walked the road and been through the bumps. And while I'll admit, I do love watching her in her outfits and listening to her like I'm her "girlfriend," the fact of the matter is she's just like me, broken and bruised and searching for a Healer. That's what I needed, to know someone else got it.

So after 6 weeks of sticking it out, facing myself in the mirror of my own life and not being happy with what I saw. Learning of my serious bondage to several things like pride, knowledge, achievements, etc. Dealing with sin, betrayals, resentment, trust issues, etc. This week took the cake.

Just when I think "it can't get any better" or "surely there can't be more tears, it can't get worse than that" God does it again.

So today's assignment was to isolate a moment that was shared with God this week. WOW, just one, impossible this time.

Day 1- Ashes instead of Honor- while there has never been an "emergency trauma" to my womanhood, there have been plenty of jabs and cuts along the way that seriously shaped and altered my heart in ways I never knew until I saw them for what they were. Never realized how painful different things became in my own life. Never realized I could be the same as Tamar, simply because I didn't allow myself to look past Satan's lies and see myself as the "handpicked daughter of the KING."

Day 2- To be a bride- "Our Bridegroom sometimes leads us to difficult places, but we can trust Him always to have purpose in our stay and never to forsake us." While I followed my wonderful earthly groom to this place, I never in a million years would have imagined the devastation that would occur in my life and in my spirit. I thought for a long time that it was a mistake, and perhaps it truly was in some ways, but knowing that even in this difficult place I can trust HIM to redeem it and have purpose in it has been a great comfort. Watching HIM change the understanding of what was my purpose in being here to HIS purpose in being here has refreshed my heart, given me peace and a hope for the future. This day changed so much of my paradigm on God as my groom, provider, and Lord.

Day 3- To be beautiful- Two quotes from the lesson that meant a lot- "I rarely meet a person who has come to trust God fully without painfully confronting the fact that she can't trust herself." I'm learning that now, and yes, it's painful, but knowing the One I can trust is helping. "I'd like to suggest that God sometimes allows us to be let down and disappointed in life so we will learn to set our hopes more fully in Him." OUCH! So true in my life.

Day 4- To be Fruitful- Some things that struck home for me today, all from her lesson:
" An unhappy woman usually needs a change of heart more than of circumstances."
"God-given dreams are the realm from which God can bring an even greater reality!"
" Our disappointment with God is often the result of our small thinking."

Of course God's timing is hilarious that this day and these things would be said to me following quite an interesting conversation with a close friend and coming up on a day when I would serve with little ones in church. I'm sure it made Him smile ;)

Day 5- To live happily ever after- Had to stop after this and ponder- "God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agendas to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path he chose for us." Are my dreams really His dreams? Am I walking the path He chose, or the one I did?


Through it all, God is showing me how he's turning my ashes in His beautiful creation. Truth be told, it's helping me better understand the ashes, and willing to let go of them.

Hmmm.....

Today......

I totally slept through my husband's good morning I'm leaving for work kiss....
Woke up to cereal and a smiley 2 year old in my bed.....
Left syrup on my ottoman because we ran out of the house.....
Had lunch with a very lovely lady and some sweet little kids.......
Got hurt by something petty, which I knew was going to hurt from the beginning.....
Made some yummy dinner......
Played with way too much Play Doh!!!!!!!
Went to a meeting with some amazing people who truly inspire me to be better than I am.....
Committed to a place of leadership which is requiring a lot of faith from me......
I stepped outside of my comfort zone......
Stood up to insecurity and told it to go away.......
Re-prioritized who is truly important in my life.....
Have dealt with a terrible headache and neck pain....
Had a wonderful conversation with my sister......
Laughed with my husband......
Made some serious decisions about my upcoming future.....
Taught my child how to make brownies.... and eat them..........
Took the puppy to the groomer and listened to my little one cry for his puppy.....

Tonight I put my little boy to sleep and listened to him talk about how God makes the thunderstorms stop and how He makes the "baby" rain come in the afternoon. Tonight my world shifted as I watched his "childlike faith" in action. Tonight I am putting away my fears, insecurities, and myself and just going to let God do His thing through us.

This journey isn't easy, but it's worth it. He really is showing His faithfulness to me, one day at a time. Today He did, and I know tomorrow He will too.