Waiting

I am waiting....

On a boy....

To make his debut...

Again!

Honestly. It feels like as I look back on my life, the short 28 years I have, that I tend to find myself in a lot of "waiting" stages.

Waiting to drive a car, waiting to date, waiting to get a job, waiting to grow up, waiting to finish high school, waiting to go to college, waiting to finish college, waiting for a job, waiting for marriage, waiting for a home, waiting for a career, waiting to have kids....you get the point.

I have HATED the waiting game. It has been like God would dangle exactly what He had for me in front of me and say..."I have this for you....but you have to wait for it." Ugh! Really? Why? And why must I wait so much if you intend to give it to me?

And so tonight I find myself in bed, waiting on this last little boy I will carry in my womb to decide when he will arrive. Waiting again....yet this time my heart feels different. Resigned not so much to the waiting, but at peace with the process.

For over the years, the seasons of struggling with God (is it ok to say that??? I struggle with God...full blown fights, tantrums and knock downs with Him, in my head and heart that is.) I have and still am learning that the process of waiting has become more about refining me through the fire of waiting than about denying me what He is offering.

Did that make sense to anyone but me?

I haven't walked through fires of drug addiction, sexual promiscuity, adultery, gambling, alcoholism or these other "heinous" sins as some would say, but I have struggled and fought Him with pride, arrogance, cynicism, over indulgence, greed, gossip, criticism, judgment, and a list of sins which are just a reprehensible in His eyes.

For a long time I viewed the waiting season as a form or torture or punishment of some kind. (Can you tell I had some whacked view of God at points?!?)

How very wrong I was!

As I look back on these past seasons of waiting I see how He had slowly molded me through them, fashioning me, softening me, expelling areas of sin, uncovering the darkness of my heart to myself. Using His blessing of what will be as my "bait" while walking me through the season of waiting to make me better.

So I wait. Uncomfortable, in pain, anxious, terrified, excited, and yet somehow all the while allowing my heart to be still and hear some sweet words whisper in that there is a work being done in the waiting. My soul will be stronger in the end and the endurance of the process will benefit my life. That the waiting is not so much a season of "sit and stare" but maybe more of "be still and pray" and "listen and grow" before you take the next step in the season ahead.

I think of Jesus....waiting 30 years as God "under cover" before he spent 3 years doing what He came to do.

Of he verse..."Those who wait on The Lord, shall renew their strength."

Of Jesus telling his closest disciples "wait here and pray"

Waiting is hard. It is especially hard for me. I want to see the action and live the excitement. I jump too quickly and react too swiftly. So I think He makes me wait to remind me to slow down and grow in the process, not just in the experience.

I know that He has always been faithful and always come through. There is a light at every tunnel, a dawn to every night, and an end to every wait. I don't want to just experience the main events any more....I want to experience the growth of the waits, the refining of the fire.

Crazy, I know! Who wants the struggle when you can have the prize?

I want the whole process because when I struggle and give my struggle to Him, He turns around and makes the prize so much more beautiful than I ever imagined. The joy is sweeter when it was harder to achieve.

So as I approach the final days (hopefully just hours, but am resigned to days) of this final pregnancy, I look forward to the season ahead. Knowing I have learned so much through this waiting season. Aware so deeply of His sovereign hand in my life, guiding me, shaping me, and refining me. Preparing my heart and life to care for, nurture, protect and provide for this new precious life He has ordained. And that thought is humbling.