Surrender

I am scared to tears about the fact that baby #3 is on his way....like possibly any day within the next 3 weeks.

3 WEEKS!!!!! That really is not very much time for your entire world to change!

This time I know better.....I know how hard nursing a new babe is....I know how difficult labor is and how much a delivery hurts.....I know how awful it is to be in pain after a baby is born and then have to care for this helpless new life when all you want to do is sleep away the next few weeks.....I know that sleepless nights make for cranky mothers (and this time around there are 2 big little lives counting on me to keep going)....I know husbands get left in the dust at times when babies require everything you have to give and more....I know this is going to be really really hard.

Yeah....literally scared to tears.....I try not to think of it...to ignore the inevitable hoping time will slow or something....it hasn't worked. So today as I unpacked diapers and wipes and baby items off my table from my shower last night I found myself surrendering.

I've found some things in life are pretty easy to surrender to God....my marriage wasn't too bad to surrender, my career was easier to surrender, relationships weren't awful to lay down, finances was a bit of a struggle sometimes, but letting go of motherhood.....this one is a doozy.

Every time I think I have won a battle and surrendered something to Him and am ready to move on, I find He is right around the next corner telling me, "Yeah, I want that too. Hand it over, lay it down."

Just when I got the hang of staying home with babies, when life got easy, my marriage got stable and strong, my parenting felt effective, my ministry safe, finances manageable, friendships predictable, my world got turned upside down.

So here I am, blinking back tears...confused as to wanting so badly to hold this baby in my arms and see his sweet face, yet knowing that his arrival will forever alter my world. Letting go of my power and control in this world of motherhood and handing over these broken pieces of pride and control. I have no idea how I will possibly manage, let alone thrive, in this crazy mix of boys. How do I care for this new life while caring for the others? How do I get groceries done, or make breakfast for littles while nursing littlest?

I have a lot of fears this time around....maybe more so than the first time I did it. Yet, I keep thinking back to the night this guy was conceived....and what I can't help but think about was the overwhelming memory of feeling like God was really doing something big in our lives. So I'm holding on to that, to the promise that He isn't going to leave me alone in this process, that He isn't up to no good, that this life is a precious gift, that I was made for this, that if He is going to bring me to it, then He will walk me through it.

Tonight I'm going to lay down mothering and surrender the job to Him, trusting that He will show me how to do a better job than I can do on my own.